How to Lease a Toupee

There are several ways to lose hair. One seemingly obvious way that has continuously made my forehead larger is the proverbial tick-tock of time. The older I get the more my genes order my hair follicles to abandon ship as if my head is a maydaying WWII bomber. They hit the eject button while I shower, when I have an itch, and whenever a slight breeze rustles my locks. Although its frustrating, this ever growing loss of afro-ness can be contained. If I just limit myself to only two showers a month and never go outside and never touch my head again I’ll have a full head of hair when I’m eighty-two.

The problem is that time is not the only cause of hair loss. I only recently discovered this tragedy. Another source of chronic mirror-headedness comes from the modern search for a new apartment. I think that I would’ve been okay in the 80s, or even in the 1880s, but today there is just too much information at our fingertips. Everyone has access to public records, to realtor websites, to search engines, to google maps, to craigslist, to trulia, to zillow, to fandango, to momamachacho (this site is increasingly helpful), and many more that I have not even heard of.

I find myself staring into the depths of the craigslist postings of the day, or zooming around zillow’s “for rent” map. Apartments become available and are leased in less than an hour. I have to continue to remind myself that the perfect place will show up, that I will have the perfect timing, and that I will have enough finger speed to email the landlord at approximately two minutes after the apartment goes online. But I just don’t know anymore. As perfectly adequate apartments fly away left and right I start to doubt that my typing skills are going to be enough.

My wife and I have a revolving door that is our list of possible apartments and is the source of much duress. I usually blame myself for our inability to land the right spot. And in the flourishing market of Richmond real estate, who else is to blame but the searcher. There’s thousands of apartments available everyday. But the problem is that we have grown too picky. When something fits our price range it doesn’t have enough storage. When a place has a big enough kitchen it doesn’t have a toilet. One place has the perfect bedroom but has no front door. And on and on and on.

So here I am. Searching the archives of Richmond’s public records, trying to figure out how cheap it would be to commute from Tallahassee, and seeing more and more hair on the keyboard of my laptop. I say all this so that the next time that I appear in public it is not a shock that I am wearing a baseball hat, or a beanie, or a toupee, but that you will accept me for who I am. A hairless, homeless, young man who is still searching for a place to live. Wait, never mind. I just bought a house on craigslist for $500. Hopefully my hairs choose to stick around for a few more years.


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